i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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