i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You can't motorboat a personality
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
the day after is always just damage control
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.