she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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