I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
