My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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