You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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