youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
