True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
