The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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