Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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