Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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