I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
