I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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