its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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