you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
