Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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