Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
