i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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