I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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