Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
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so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
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He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?