Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Drunk is not a location!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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