I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
