I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Don't make out with my wife yet
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
