I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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