I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My cat gives me a boner
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
