I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
