The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
