There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
