I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
