So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
