i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
