Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
