My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
