I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
