I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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