So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
