Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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