Jerry, you need to find god
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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