I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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