Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
