tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I still have a little drunk in my system
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
