My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
