tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
