I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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