I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
