I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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