4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's just like the Real World with babies
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
