Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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