there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
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bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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