he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
