mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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