My first STD was from a foam party
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
