you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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