i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
