genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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