her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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