kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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