you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I need a beard to bite.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
